What We Once Dreamed
by Clarkeyfangirl
Summary: I had to deal with it. Black Friday. This is my little attempt of handling this. Read it, enjoy it and please, kindly leave a comment to let me know what you think! /xxx


**Well… I had to deal with it somehow... Black Friday. This is my take on it. It starts on the early morning of That Friday, but then I had to take it another way, for my own sanity... I also changed the timing of a few events a bit.**

**No copyright infringement intended, the characters belong to BBC and EastEnders.**

**This is for WFCTGIO and especially for my dear ****LoveSy, ****who excelled in the face of a challenge I gave her. Hun, I really hope you like this *eek***

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

4.37 am.

It must be the seventeenth time I've checked the time in the last hour. Still not any closer to getting any sleep. Too much frustration and anger… And something else. Something missing and a silence that just shouldn't be there. I can't think about that though. Simply can't.

I'm sure he's there. With them… I've told him before that I sometimes feel like we're going back a whole year, because I do at times. He's assured me that he's sure about his choice and I know it's not fair, but I still feel it. I feel that fear rising inside me every time he's been anywhere near them. It's not rational, but when have I ever been rational about him? I have put everything I am in his hands and he has the power to crush it if he wants to. Crush me.

Horrible words keep echoing in my head. _Not enough… I don't think we're enough… Not ready… don't think I'll ever be… Cause if you do… then maybe we can't be together... _I feel the same pang to my guts as I did then. The same fear. _Can't be together_. No... no... Every single thing inside me hurts at that thought.

The frustration from yesterday is still bubbling in my blood, feeding on the fear... or the other way around… How can he change his mind? Now? When things are finally moving forward? When I thought I had made such progress, with Zainab seeming much more accepting than almost ever before? With a meeting with social services booked and confirmed for next week? With finding a new flat for us, ready in only a couple of weeks? All the things I did, I did for us, for our dream. I thought it was our dream, what we wanted to do together, but I guess I was wrong. _Not enough… _When he said that, those words… All the feelings from the past just washed over me once more. I felt like absolutely nothing again. Still do… The very core of what I am is not good enough… And to hear that from him… The one who has given me so much, who has thought so much of me, more than anyone else ever have, seen sides to me no one else ever saw. Not anymore. We… _I_ was just not ever going to be enough. I was left alone again, fighting all by myself like so many times before, just when I thought I was finally done with that. And then I lash out. I know I do. But don't I have the right to?

I wallow a bit in my self pity but then I hear other words… and I shiver and want to pull my pillow over my head so I don't have to listen to them… _I'm doing this… even if it's on my own… You're fickle and selfish… Just get out..! _Why? Why did I say it? I tell myself I was shocked at that point, still acting out of anger… I know I don't do well when I feel cornered and angry… And frightened. Even though I'm still a bit shocked at what he said… I don't like it… I don't like me saying that. I knew how much it would hurt him, but he hurt me as well… And he knows how I really feel, he does. Doesn't he?

It's freezing around me, and I am usually never cold. I shiver again. Then I hear the one line I dread the most… _You know me better than anyone…_

Obviously I don't, not anymore, and that hurts so much I can't breathe. I thought I did know him. I thought he was on board with me, I really did. Our chances were obviously slim enough anyway without us not being on the same side, fighting together… Why had he not said anything about how he felt before? He hadn't, had he…? My thoughts are off in another spiral…

Clearly this isn't going to stop anytime soon… I decide there is no way I'm getting any more sleep this morning. Not knowing how to get through this day I only know I need to keep busy so I drag myself out of bed. Automatically I look at my phone… nothing. Not a text, not a call… I feel the fear again and it's so cold.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

Syed spent most of that Friday just walking around, fortunately not having any clients at the salon. He knew he would have been useless there today anyway. Almost as soon as he woke up on his mother's sofa he left, afraid to talk to them. Afraid to look into the worried eyes of his brother and the self satisfied eyes of his mother. Afraid to have Christian come there looking for him. Afraid to not have him come there. He probably wouldn't , Syed thought. But to be on the safe side, he went out, kept moving, kept away from any place where Christian might be. Sometimes he sat down for a while, but the restlessness in his body and his head kept him moving, moving constantly, as if that would stop him thinking about it. Think about his relationship… Or lack thereof… The thought sent a chilling shiver down his spine.

Over and over again the thoughts flashed through his mind. So this is what it all came down to? Everything he had ever dreamed of, or not even dared to dream of, crushed in one instant? Yesterday was the first time he had felt that Christian just did not hear or see him. No… Perhaps it was not. But it was the first time that he didn't even seem to want to.

_Dance to the beat of Christians drum_… His father's words still rung in his ears. Was that really what this was? Was that where it all had led, to him not having a mind of his own? No voice of his own because he wanted to be cautious, take his time? Because he wasn't as certain about everything as quickly as Christian was? Then his father might just be right. What kind of a relationship would that be? Was that a relationship he wanted to be in at all? Or was it one he had to leave? He felt his stomach turn at the thought and was almost sick right there on the street. He leaned against a wall, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. After a few minutes, still feeling queasy, he started walking again, horrifying thoughts in his head not allowing him to be still.

How could he be completely clear to Christian about what he wanted when he didn't know it himself all of the time? When it was so complicated? When there were so many sides to every single question? When they still had so many issues that needed considering? There was the financial side to it, the cultural and religious side, the living arrangements side, the supportive network side… and… so many others his head hurt just thinking about them. It's not that he doesn't want to, ever, not at all. In so many ways, it was what he had dreamed of. It is. But everything was going so fast he couldn't keep up, his head had felt like chaos for so long now, he was completely exhausted by it and no one saw it. He was not there yet. There were still so many questions and so much uncertainty that Christian seemed to choose to ignore, but he just couldn't ignore them anymore. He needed to stop and breathe. To think. He needed no more yelling and screaming, no more sulking and uncomfortable, tense silences. Only a little bit of peace and quiet for a while.

He used to love the fact that Christian was so different from him, he had always found strength in that. Once he had thought that Christian felt the same way, but now he wasn't sure anymore. Opposites might attract each other, but maybe that was it. Maybe it was never supposed to last for long? Again he felt his stomach turn at just the thought of that.

Oblivious to the world around him he simply didn't notice the woman coming out of the minute mart and almost ran straight into her, knocking all of her groceries out of her arms.

'Oh… excuse me… I'm sorry…' he mumbled, his head spinning with lack of sleep and food and hours of walking around, as he bent down and started helping her pick everything up.

'Thank you' she said, turning her enquiring eyes to him as he kneeled down next to her.

'Excuse me, but can I ask you what your name is?' she asked tentatively when all her supplies had been bagged again.

'Ehh... Syed.'

'Syed…? You're Syed? I'm Linda.' Syed looked, puzzled, at the elder woman. 'Linda Clarke…? The Mum-person...? You know… the dreaded mother-in-law… Christian's mother?'

Syed's mouth dropped open.

'I have greetings and best wishes from Jane… and I must say… I'm definitely liking delivering them…' she said with a teasing smile that had a resemblance to… No, Syed didn't want to think about that.

'Oh, you, come here' she said and with no further warning Syed found himself enveloped in a tight hug. Soon realizing she's not being hugged back Linda took a step back, smiling apologetically.

'I'm sorry' she said 'I know we don't actually know each other, but I've heard so much about you… from Christian, even if it was a while ago, and now from Jane and I'm just so glad to see the man who is making my son so happy!'

Still not getting the expected reaction she looked a little deeper into the eyes of the young man in front of her.

'What is it…? Is something wrong…? Do you feel alright? We'll go home to yours, and I'll get you something to drink… or…'

'No!' Syed almost shouted. 'No… I don't want to go home.'

'What..?' Linda looked at him with utter confusion etched all over her face. 'OK… but… please… at least let me take you to the café and get you something to eat and drink… You look like you could fall over at any minute, dear.'

Not having the energy to resist, Syed was firmly led by the arm to the café, sat at a table with coffee and a large sandwich in front of him.

'So… Syed. Will you tell me what's going on?'

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

I try really hard not to think on my way home. My head is not letting me forget anything, though, going in complete overdrive. Hours and hours of overdrive… I tried my best but I know I was no good today. My head wasn't there, was it? Lack of sleep… Lack of… him. Still nothing from him and it's late in the afternoon… But what did I expect?

I walk slowly, dreading the silence and emptiness that will meet me at the flat. He won't be there, I'm sure, and I'm already afraid to spend the whole evening there alone. When I finally come home I am more tired than I can remember ever being, and it has nothing to do with the workouts I tried to give my clients today. I've been on a fucking roller coaster all day. It's unbelievably exhausting being thrown between the anger and the fear I can't even put words on, only feel in my whole body, the missing him and the hating myself more than I thought was possible. Back and forth, all the time. Wondering why I'm angry one second and then feeling the anger again the next. But mostly just missing him and realizing I've been acting like a bloody fool for way too long. All day. And now… emptiness.

A couple of hours later it's getting darker and being alone in the flat… our flat… is starting to overwhelm me. I have my paperwork lying on the table, but I have hardly looked at it, and when I did… I didn't understand a single word of it.

It's when I'm having a staring contest with a bottle of wine I hear the door buzz. For the time being, I'm winning and the bottle is not open. I know getting drunk is actually the last thing I need right now, even though a big part of me really wants to. I am officially as low as I have ever been. The street door buzz goes off again and I blame the loneliness of the last hours and the lack of proper rest today for the thought that it might be him.

I go and open the door and feel the bottom fall out of my stomach. Of course it's not him… It's…

'Mum!' I exclaim in complete astonishment. 'What the hell are you doing here?'

'Christian' she says, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before she decidedly and without asking walks straight past me and into the flat. 'I've got greetings from Jane and the twins, and I thought I should come and finally meet my son's gorgeous and lovely boyfriend… and… you know, give my approval and all that.'

'What?' I say, suddenly feeling that an empty flat might not be such a bad alternative. 'No, I don't want you to…'

'Well, Christian… I'm gonna…' she says sitting down at the table, looking at me, nodding at the chair opposite her. 'I had a talk with your Syed this afternoon, and now you sit yourself down here and tell me what is going on with you.'

Just hearing his name being spoken makes my heart race and I have no choice but to sit down. I have no strength to keep any kind of façade up any more, I can only try to plead her with my eyes to tell me more. We sit like that for minutes.

'Well…' she finally says when she's decided I deserve to hear what she has to say. 'As you can probably guess, he wouldn't give me much detail, but it's clear that something is very wrong. And that you most likely said and did a few things that really, really hurt him.'

'Yeah…' I can hardly say it. 'But he… and I felt like…' No, I can't get the words out.

'I understand, you don't have to say it… Now… I've been here what… five minutes, and I can already see you're broken, and I've seen that he's broken… This is no good, you have to do something about it…'

'I have…' I attempt to convince myself, not being particularly successful. 'But I don't get it anymore… get him anymore…' I'm horrified to hear something that vaguely resembles my own voice saying those words. The silence is heavy as I try to comprehend what they really mean. I don't think I want to know.

'I used to know what he was thinking just looking at him… I used to hear what he said even if he was silent… Now I listen, but I don't understand what he thinks anymore…' _And whose fault is that?_ The thought flies through my head. 'And he left me there… I'm all on my own again…'

I can't believe how petty and childish that last part sounds when I hear myself say it. _I_ made that happen didn't I? I stare at my hands on the table, wondering why she's not saying anything, why she's not giving me a hard time for being so stupid, but when I look up I can see her eyes welling up. What?

'I can't make it go away, you know' she says with so much sadness in her voice '… all those years… all that loneliness, all the struggles you had to go through on your own. I can't even imagine… It made you strong I guess… independent, but I know… Those years hurt you… left you insecure as well… and that scares you, doesn't it? And do you remember what you did when you were scared as a child? You got so angry… and didn't listen to anyone trying to talk to you…'

It's not that I haven't had these thoughts myself and know that it's true on some level, but I don't want to listen anymore. I know my mother, though. She is not finished yet. Not by far.

'There's nothing wrong with having a big dream and to try and make it come true, but you know… when you get something in your head you sometimes only hear the things that fit in with that… You think you've been listening, but maybe you haven't… Remember, Christian, you have someone so special in your life now, it's not only you anymore. And you've never had that before… It makes you vulnerable, depending on someone else… you're not used to feeling like that. And I know you get defensive when you're insecure… because I do to.'

I can't think of anything to say. I want to say she's got it all wrong, that I have heard everything he said, that I haven't closed my ears to anything I didn't like… but I can't.

'You and I are so much alike in many ways, Christian… We've both made so many mistakes before, maybe I don't have the right to say anything about this after everything we've been through in the past, but… Don't throw this away... not like this… I've heard Jane talking about you during this past year, and… she says you've never been happier… All I know… all I can say… You know what you have with him… And you know what you both went through to get here…You know what matters, in that big, beautiful heart of yours… You have to tell him how you really feel, and why you feel that way.'

My breath catches in my throat when I hear that because I know how true it is, and yet I don't know how to do it. Will he listen to me? Will I be able to make him believe that I will listen to him?

'Look, Christian… I'm staying at the B&B tonight, and I'll talk to you tomorrow… But you have to talk to him… really talk to him. And remember, you have to listen to him too. Really listen. Try to go to sleep now, darling.'

As she leaves a few minutes later I actually have some hope that it might be OK. That I might find the words to talk to him. That I can make him believe I see and hear him. I might even be able to sleep a little bit tonight.

My phone suddenly beeps. A text. I look and it's from him. Finally. I open it and read

'_I do love you, but I don't think I can speak with you right now. I'm going away to Leeds for a couple of days. I leave tomorrow afternoon. I'll let you know when I'm back. x S'_

And just like that, I know exactly what rock bottom feels like.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

_Nighttime._

_Heart racing. Darkness. Silence. Coldness. Pressing on your eyes and ears. Body aching._

_How do you keep breathing when you have to think about every single breath you take, actively forcing your lungs to draw breath? How do you find peace when the thoughts in your head keep screaming at you? How do you even live when every heartbeat hurts?_

_Thoughts racing. Emptiness. Loneliness. Filling everything until there is nothing else. Heart aching._

_Nighttime._

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

Another completely sleepless night. Endless thoughts of: Is this really it? Have I really blown it? The most important thing I have? As I once again check my phone to see if there's anything new I notice the date. It's July 16th. It is not a date. It is a kick right in my gut.

A year ago. Today. It's precisely a year ago every dream I ever had came true. I promised to help him. I promised that he would always have a home here. One year ago today. And now he's leaving… Every bit of anger I felt is gone.

What have I been angry at anyway? I know he needs time. I know we're not exactly at the same spot. But that used to be a good thing. It used to make us able to see things from different angles. It used to make us strong. I used to love that about him. I do love that about him.

Instead of the anger I feel ice cold panic taking over inside me. If I ever had any doubts about what was important, they are now long gone. The thought of him, going away, of not knowing when he'll be back… I'm sure that my heart will pound right out of my chest.

I look everywhere for him during the day, but he's nowhere to be seen. _He doesn't want to see you_ my head mock me before I have the time to tell it to shut the hell up. As the hours pass I feel more and more of what must be true despair. I can't hold one thought in my head and I walk around aimlessly, feeling like my entire world is about to be taken away from me.

When it's around the time he's supposed to leave I go to the station for a last attempt. I wait and I look nervously around me, time and time again. 15 minutes I've been here now. 20… 25... I could swear the ground is shaking beneath me. It's the middle of summer and I am freezing cold.

Finally I see him and I gasp for air. He looks so… so vulnerable my heart aches more than I thought was possible.

'Syed!' My voice is just about audible but he stops. His back is still turned at me.

'Syed…' I try again 'Please… I don't want you to go like this…Talk to me…'

'I… I don't … think I can talk to you right now, Christian…' his voice is so small… so sad… 'And I don't know if you'll even listen…'

'Look at me… Please… I promise I will…'

My knees almost give in when he slowly turns around and I see the pain and hurt in his eyes before he fixes them on his feet. I know mine are not much better, but I must try to take that pain away… I must.

'I... I only want you to stop hurting… I'll listen…'

'Will you?' The sorrow and defeat in his voice is so hard to bear… When did this happen? What have we done? What have I done to him?

'Please…' I can only whisper it.

He stands there for a while, quiet… looking at his feet… At least he's not walking away. Finally he takes a deep breath.

'I… I know I've been going back and forth…' he says hesitantly. 'I know I've given you mixed signals… because I am mixed… I'm just not as certain as you are, Christian… and you knew that... Everything has just… been moving so fast… I come home, and… everything is decided… you've already started our move… and I feel… so left out. I feel like… I don't count…'

My heart almost cracks when I hear him use those words. The words he said a year ago… The way he'd felt almost all of his life… Like he didn't count… like the real him doesn't count.

'I' m so sorry… So sorry... Nothing of that is your fault… ' My voice trembles almost beyond control. 'You do count… nothing matters more than you…' I'm not sure he hears me.

'You used to see me… the true me… But you haven't for a long time now… You used to hear me like no one else did… I don't know anymore… You are so strong, you know what you want so quickly… And I like that you take the lead sometimes, I don't mind that you push me a little bit at times. But… we need to do this together and now we're not… and I don't understand why.'

'I'm not sure either, Syed…' I say very slowly, trying to understand it myself. 'I've been so carried away… This has been such a huge deal… thinking we might have a chance I never imagined I would have…' Saying the words while seeing him standing there, not looking at me, I still feel the excitement of it all, but… I don't get why it's prevented me from seeing him, listening to him…

'I don't know why I've been so swept away by it… It was so overwhelming… the chance of having all that…' I try to see the reasons, but I don't know. 'Maybe because _I_ was all I had for so many years. No one else. And I never expected… never expected to be important to anyone… to have someone that important to me… Depend on someone like I do…'

I can sense that he is listening now and I can't help myself going for it. I take a step towards him and touch his cheek with my fingers, not knowing if he'll let me. It feels so good to touch him again. I move my hand and lift up his chin so I can see his eyes. He doesn't pull away…

'When you came into my life it was… something I never, ever thought could happen… It was a dream… that finally came true and I was so scared… so frightened I'd lose it… And then… this chance to do something beautiful came along… it felt like you and I could do something impossible together… again, and I thought you were with me… I lost you somewhere in all that… I never meant for that to happen…'

The hurt is still there, to a point where my heart nearly stops, but at least he is looking at me. I need him to see into my eyes.

'I'm so sorry… I won't lose sight of you again... You are the most important thing in my life and I don't ever want you to feel that you're not… Syed, my dream is you… it is always you…'

My heart starts to beat again as I see a shadow of a smile in his eyes.

We both take a breath... Stand still, quiet… I don't know if I dare to say it... But then I see something in his face that makes me think that maybe, just maybe it's not too late after all. I hesitate, the same way he does... And at the same time we speak.

'Sy… Will you talk to me…'

'Let's go home…'

A tiny smile on both our faces. Nothing guaranteed. But maybe... maybe.

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

**Thank you for being with me all the way here. I hope you enjoyed it (or whatever ;)) and as always, I would love to read your comments, long or short. It's through them I know if you want me to keep writing ;) Thank you!**


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